At the comment about a more smooth way to share a number, Hamuko snapped her fingers and uttered damn - her game really had been getting rusty from just half a year of not flirting! Noted for if these dates went anywhere - she wasn't worried about whether or not they'd romantically hit it off, but there's no way she'd let him win.
There really isn't much to know about me.
That just has her laughing. The laugh carried the weight of all of her feelings.
He could be dull as a rock, for all she cared - he was real, deeper than a shallow puddle, there was no way she wouldn't appreciate him and all of his weird, surly, meanness.
"Here. I'll step my game up next time - it's a guarantee," she chuckled, sharing her phone number and exchanging contacts. "Alright. I'm gonna be late, I'll let you go. Next time, I promise we'll have fun."
He didn't know what exactly was she going to look forward to without any of the happiness that she blatantly refused or found herself struggling to accept. Maruki was just a man. A man who dreamt of a better place.
Beyond that? Beyond Azathoth? He was the only permitted blemish here.
"Now you have made me curious," he smiled softly at her supposed promise. "But yeah sorry- like I said, lost track of time myself. I think my specialist is practically getting used to it now. I am sure yours will be forgiving as well." There was a sigh following that sentence, a measured crack in the abrasive man. He stepped back, placing the hand holding his phone back in his pocket.
"See you around." He threw back with a quick lilt of a bow before turning around completely, not sparing another glance still even by the other rather amusing turn of events.
He already knew what exactly he will be drafting in the folder titled: "Case 40382917: Hamuko Arisato" after all.
It was time for her appointment, and this time... she didn't feel nearly so lost.
She sat with this doctor. Described her physical symptoms - periodic mental fog, lethargy, dreams. Body dysmorphia... not from dissatisfaction from how she looked, but from how she felt detached from the body she had now.
(Now, though, she knew exactly why.)
Pressed to explain her disconnect, Hamuko nodded and did just that - in a session recorded, being viewed though Hamuko did not suspect it would be.
"The reason I struggle to emotionally connect to other people is because no one has a depth of experience to connect to. No one else is as impacted by their troubles as I am. And no one seems... to even be able to handle me struggling. It's as if my existence is troublesome, and it gets glossed over until the problems are forgotten.
"But it wasn't always like this. I remember that those closest to me... they had also gone through pains like mine. They understood me, and I understood them... and we found a lot of meaning, together, about why we should keep living and striving for happiness together--"
"I assume this is from the dreams you claim to have, where those around you and yourself both were living through trauma?"
A pause. Swallowed frustration. He's missing the forest for the trees, again, they keep DOING that...!
"...Fate is not kind. And it isn't cruel, either. Life, death, happenstance, twists of circumstance... I won't run away from that truth anymore. The people around me don't deserve that. So, doctor-- please help me figure out what's happened."
"Alright... let's see. What would you like us to do next, Arisato-san?"
"Scans, biopsies, bloodwork - I want to know every inch of what my body is doing, especially my brain. I want to rule everything else out, please."
Once she had the confirmation that the physical was not the problem, she would know for sure that what had happened was metaphysical. Supernatural. She pressed for all of those today, and-- well, of course everything was ready even if it wasn't scheduled. Who else was suffering, right now, after all?
"Arisato-san... you are free to head home now. But before you go... these notes on Shadows, on this Dark Hour... do you still perceive these hallucinations?"
"...I don't. Not those specific things, no. The other feelings, though... the connections I feel from before... I think those still exist. I'm sure of it."
It's there that Hamuko bows, thanks him, and excuses herself. She has another appointment at this office in ten days clutched in her hand, and she has to decide what she wants to do after that.
Observed today's session in full. Subject continues to display clear signs of dissociation and a persistent, unresolved fixation on an alternate perceived reality. Emotional detachment from the present remains prominent—though she masks it well, there are definitive patterns:
-Disinterest in forming new, meaningful connections with other patients. -Strong attachment to a past she believes has been “erased.” -A fundamental rejection of the happiness available to her in the present.
There is no biological root cause. No neurological abnormalities. No markers of disease or damage. Her cognition functions at an optimal level—above average, even. By all accounts, her body is fine.
And yet, she suffers.
Her self-perception is fractured, disconnected. She seeks validation through pain, through struggle. There is no meaning in joy unless it is hard-earned, unless it is fought for. She will not accept happiness if it is freely given.
That is...troubling.
At this rate, she will continue to search. She will tear herself apart looking for answers that do not exist. No, that should not exist.
And so, the question remains: what does she require?
A place where pain is shared? A world where others have suffered as she has, where hardship is a necessary prelude to fulfillment? She claims that those closest to her once understood her because they, too, had endured. That their suffering was not a burden, but a bond.
If that is what she truly believes, then she will never—never—find peace here.
Not as things are now.
...She needs to heal.
Not through further struggle. Not through the endless, obsessive pursuit of something long gone.
She needs to remember what happiness feels like. True happiness.
She needs to see them again.
Not me—not this—not this careful, measured attempt at connection that she only barely entertains.
She needs them.
Her friends.
She needs to hate Shibusawa.
And if that still doesn't convince her. If she's still stubborn- slight misdirection, then. A carefully constructed truth.
Her tests will return mostly normal. Mostly. No glaring abnormalities, nothing that would disprove her own experiences outright—but just enough to keep her engaged. Just enough to keep her here.
The bloodwork, for instance. A slight anomaly—perhaps a minor hormonal imbalance, an unusual neurotransmitter pattern. Nothing alarming. Nothing definitive. Just a thread.
The neurological scans—clear, but...irregularities in sleep cycles, activity in regions associated with memory retrieval and emotional processing. A vague but plausible finding. A hypothesis worth exploring.
She will not question it. Not immediately.
Hamuko Arisato is not naïve, but she wants answers. And if I provide them in the right increments, if I give her just enough to validate her feelings without letting her spiral into paranoia, she will continue to trust me.
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no subject
There really isn't much to know about me.
That just has her laughing. The laugh carried the weight of all of her feelings.
He could be dull as a rock, for all she cared - he was real, deeper than a shallow puddle, there was no way she wouldn't appreciate him and all of his weird, surly, meanness.
"Here. I'll step my game up next time - it's a guarantee," she chuckled, sharing her phone number and exchanging contacts. "Alright. I'm gonna be late, I'll let you go. Next time, I promise we'll have fun."
no subject
The strangest problem case yet.
He didn't know what exactly was she going to look forward to without any of the happiness that she blatantly refused or found herself struggling to accept. Maruki was just a man. A man who dreamt of a better place.
Beyond that? Beyond Azathoth? He was the only permitted blemish here.
"Now you have made me curious," he smiled softly at her supposed promise. "But yeah sorry- like I said, lost track of time myself. I think my specialist is practically getting used to it now. I am sure yours will be forgiving as well." There was a sigh following that sentence, a measured crack in the abrasive man. He stepped back, placing the hand holding his phone back in his pocket.
"See you around." He threw back with a quick lilt of a bow before turning around completely, not sparing another glance still even by the other rather amusing turn of events.
He already knew what exactly he will be drafting in the folder titled: "Case 40382917: Hamuko Arisato" after all.
no subject
She sat with this doctor. Described her physical symptoms - periodic mental fog, lethargy, dreams. Body dysmorphia... not from dissatisfaction from how she looked, but from how she felt detached from the body she had now.
(Now, though, she knew exactly why.)
Pressed to explain her disconnect, Hamuko nodded and did just that - in a session recorded, being viewed though Hamuko did not suspect it would be.
"The reason I struggle to emotionally connect to other people is because no one has a depth of experience to connect to. No one else is as impacted by their troubles as I am. And no one seems... to even be able to handle me struggling. It's as if my existence is troublesome, and it gets glossed over until the problems are forgotten.
"But it wasn't always like this. I remember that those closest to me... they had also gone through pains like mine. They understood me, and I understood them... and we found a lot of meaning, together, about why we should keep living and striving for happiness together--"
"I assume this is from the dreams you claim to have, where those around you and yourself both were living through trauma?"
A pause. Swallowed frustration. He's missing the forest for the trees, again, they keep DOING that...!
"...Fate is not kind. And it isn't cruel, either. Life, death, happenstance, twists of circumstance... I won't run away from that truth anymore. The people around me don't deserve that. So, doctor-- please help me figure out what's happened."
"Alright... let's see. What would you like us to do next, Arisato-san?"
"Scans, biopsies, bloodwork - I want to know every inch of what my body is doing, especially my brain. I want to rule everything else out, please."
Once she had the confirmation that the physical was not the problem, she would know for sure that what had happened was metaphysical. Supernatural. She pressed for all of those today, and-- well, of course everything was ready even if it wasn't scheduled. Who else was suffering, right now, after all?
"Arisato-san... you are free to head home now. But before you go... these notes on Shadows, on this Dark Hour... do you still perceive these hallucinations?"
"...I don't. Not those specific things, no. The other feelings, though... the connections I feel from before... I think those still exist. I'm sure of it."
It's there that Hamuko bows, thanks him, and excuses herself. She has another appointment at this office in ten days clutched in her hand, and she has to decide what she wants to do after that.
end of thread for now
Entry #01
Observed today's session in full. Subject continues to display clear signs of dissociation and a persistent, unresolved fixation on an alternate perceived reality. Emotional detachment from the present remains prominent—though she masks it well, there are definitive patterns:
-Disinterest in forming new, meaningful connections with other patients.
-Strong attachment to a past she believes has been “erased.”
-A fundamental rejection of the happiness available to her in the present.
There is no biological root cause. No neurological abnormalities. No markers of disease or damage. Her cognition functions at an optimal level—above average, even. By all accounts, her body is fine.
And yet, she suffers.
Her self-perception is fractured, disconnected. She seeks validation through pain, through struggle. There is no meaning in joy unless it is hard-earned, unless it is fought for. She will not accept happiness if it is freely given.
That is...troubling.
At this rate, she will continue to search. She will tear herself apart looking for answers that do not exist. No, that should not exist.
And so, the question remains: what does she require?
A place where pain is shared? A world where others have suffered as she has, where hardship is a necessary prelude to fulfillment? She claims that those closest to her once understood her because they, too, had endured. That their suffering was not a burden, but a bond.
If that is what she truly believes, then she will never—never—find peace here.
Not as things are now.
...She needs to heal.
Not through further struggle. Not through the endless, obsessive pursuit of something long gone.
She needs to remember what happiness feels like. True happiness.
She needs to see them again.
Not me—not this—not this careful, measured attempt at connection that she only barely entertains.
She needs them.
Her friends.
She needs to hate Shibusawa.
And if that still doesn't convince her. If she's still stubborn- slight misdirection, then. A carefully constructed truth.
Her tests will return mostly normal. Mostly. No glaring abnormalities, nothing that would disprove her own experiences outright—but just enough to keep her engaged. Just enough to keep her here.
The bloodwork, for instance. A slight anomaly—perhaps a minor hormonal imbalance, an unusual neurotransmitter pattern. Nothing alarming. Nothing definitive. Just a thread.
The neurological scans—clear, but...irregularities in sleep cycles, activity in regions associated with memory retrieval and emotional processing. A vague but plausible finding. A hypothesis worth exploring.
She will not question it. Not immediately.
Hamuko Arisato is not naïve, but she wants answers. And if I provide them in the right increments, if I give her just enough to validate her feelings without letting her spiral into paranoia, she will continue to trust me.
She must.
This is for her own good.